in the rye
it’s hard this semester not to feel like things are falling apart. far too many of my friends are not only confused and scared but unhappy. as much as i feel like i’m doing well, i can’t stand to think that you can’t save everyone. it feels like all or nothing, and the only outcome i can imagine in the long run is that the center cannot hold. doesn’t help that as i form more relationships with older people i realize many of them are no happier.
another thing. fear is something i’ve learned to appreciate… i’ve come to love being nervous and i seek it out, whether it’s snowboarding down a cliff or asking a girl for her number. you’re only nervous when you care. and conversely, it seems. but as i get better at the little things they lose their edge and their importance. at the moment i have more girls’ numbers than i can figure out what to do with without messing up, and there’s no snow on the ground yet. all that scares me now is that in the very foreseeable future i will be given and i will accept responsibility for people other than myself, and that is going to change me.
and that is my melancholic-because-i’m-hungover entry for today.
i need to quote this song in its entirety, though:
can you hear
the desperate cries that are calling out your name
twisting your arm
holding out their hands and tugging at your sleeve
do you feel
this underlying sense of urgency
or are you as blind as me?i hit the ground and i’m still running but i need a place to stay tonight
i swear i’ll be gone in the morning
i just need somewhere nowi can’t bear the thought of losing
i dread the attention winning brings
and ever since the day i came here
i can stand without your strings
i’m so sick of all these people
but i’m scared to be alone
and if this life has taught me anything
i forgot it long agothe heart is something
you can’t control
we either choose to follow
or be left on our own
so we’re leaving here
on a less-travelled road
the desperate cries grow louder
i know we’re getting closei hit the ground and i’m still running but i need a place to stay tonight
i swear i’ll be gone in the morning i just need somewhere warm to close my eyes